I know what you're probably thinking. Do you really want to admit that?
Yes. Fully.
The idea of something being uncomfortable should not stop me from pursuing or discussing it. In-fact, the opposite should be done.
We experience, realize, and think about things for a reason. I recently reflected on my experience with attempted suicide and thought, maybe there's a reason it's coming back to me suddenly. Maybe someone needs to know my experience.
Between the ages of eighteen and twenty-one I attempted suicide twice, both with pills. From the age of twelve until age twenty-one I intentionally harmed myself.
Why
Two reason: One, the self-inflicted physical pain made me temporarily forget about my emotional pain. Two, giving my physical wounds the attention and energy they needed to heal was much less exhausting and again distracted me from my emotional pain.
Why did it stop at age twenty-one?
Because I started to appreciate the little things in life.
When I woke up in the ward, the first thing I did was kept my eyes directly where they first landed on the ceiling. I laid there quietly, accepting my situation for the first time, instead of trying to fight it.
I took a deep breath and whispered at the ceiling, "okay".
I reflected on my actions in silence. I realized something important and managed a slight smile. I turned and looked up at the ceiling again and whispered, "I'm obviously here for a reason."
I was in the ward for the weekend. My wonderful friend Colleen came to visit me and bought me some things from my house. She was a bit nervous to see me because she was the one who called me in. I wasn't angry with her. I appreciated her for doing the uncomfortable thing.
When we were allowed to go outside for an hour, it felt like stepping into a new world. A part of me was thankful for the giant wall separating us from the rest of the world. I had little to no control of myself back then. I would have ran away the second I had a chance.
Every time we were allowed to go outside and I would feel the calming heat of the sun warming my gown and pleasantly burning my exposed skin, I would tell myself, "I'll never do something like that again." , "I'll never have my freedom taken away from me again." , "I want to always feel the warmth of the sun." , "I love the sun."
When my sister, who I hadn't spoken to in years because I owed her money, dropped me off at my car, I placed a twenty dollar bill on her dash, thanked her and stepped outside.
My car was still at the tree line where I parked it before I went off into the woods to commit suicide. I stood by my car for a while looking at all the trees around me. It was as if I was seeing them for the first time. The deep green canopies housing singing birds felt comforting, even after everything that had happened here. I briefly recalled the memory of police men, fire fighters, and EMT's. I remembered seeing the flashing lights reflecting off the trees as I was brought into the ambulance.
What was once a scene of chaos was now a moment of peace. The way the trees never seemed to end made me realize that my journey was far from over. I felt there was much to discover. But more importantly, there was a lot of healing that needed to be done first. I caught my reflection in my driver door window, took a deep breath and got in.
As I drove down a back road on my way home I couldn't help but notice the tall grass bending to the winds will as if to wave at me. It looked like a dance and I couldn't help but smile. I drove down a road with tree tops that bent toward the ground creating a tunnel. The beauty of the sun peaking and disappearing through the leaves filled my heart with love. I cried, hard. I was thankful to be alive.
Not because anything exciting happened but because I felt connected for the first time in my life. I felt carried, watched over. I was still hurting. I was still suffering a broken heart and a confused mind. But for the first time in my life, the weight felt lighter.
But why?
Because I recognized the deeper beauty in what I was seeing. I saw the meaning of nature and how it is constantly sending us messages to guide us on our path. I finally felt the love I was always missing.
I am only twenty-seven years young, but I can say that nothing in this life is ever going to be the way we imagine it. It's never going to be perfect. But if we can change our perspective to that of gratitude, we no longer seek perfection. Therefore, everything is perfect.
Everything is as it should be. Trust me. We have to walk in shadows to appreciate our moments in the light.
Because darkness provides an abundance of fruit so long as your willing to find it.
Much Love
-Celina<3
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