The Daily Celina
9/8/2020
It's been three weeks into my daily routine. Today was my first day at my new job. I got up earlier than I usually do because I wanted to be sure that I had time to do everything necessary before I left for work. It was raining this morning. I woke up at 5:20am to a still blackened sky. I wanted nothing more than to fall vicitim to the melatonin swimming behind my eyes. I didn't give in. I forced my body up and immedietly began meditating. My cats began furiously running around my room as if I had been asleep for a thousand years. Rhey forced their tiny, furry faces into my hands and plopped their stinky butts into my lap. I use to get annoyed by this but now I see it as a way to teach myself patience. I use my cats eccentric behavoir while I'm meditating as a challenge to keep my focus on my center. I am not a master at it but, who is at first?
After about ten mintues of medidation I got up, took my probiotic, put on my workout clothes, and stretched. My cats like to try and distract me from stretching too. They must think that everytime I sit on the floor its an invitiation to play. After stretching, I ran to my regular spot. Usually by this time I am wide awake. However, this morning I could not get the sleep out of my eyes. I ran back home with the intension of laying down for a few minutes. By the time I got home, I had too much to do. I knew if I laid back down I would only be wasting time. I began making myself breakfast while simalteiniously picking out my outfit for my first day of work (which I changed, twice). I made my lunch and off I went to work. I really enjoyed my first day, and I really enjoyed the things I did. There is much more to the job than I thought. I'm so use to being told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. This job requires I think for myself. This job requires I think outside of the box. The team is very supportive so far and it feels good.
I got home around 6:30 pm. I made myself dinner and prepped my morning potatoes. Now here I am, writing this blog. I am still very tired. I didn't get much time to myself. I was too afraid to take my mask off at any point in front of my new coworkers because I have acne. My acne is a whole nother topic for a whole different blog when the time feels right. I wanted to break down for a minute. For a split second I thought about not showing
up to my first day at all. But heres the thing; doing the hard stuff is always worth it. I am doing everything I can to heal my skin. There is no point in being mean to myself because I have acne. I deserve to smile and have fun at work, regardless. If anyone wants to judge me for something that is out of my control, thats on them. I dont need to hold onto any negativity.
I was so tired going into my first day. But showing up, even when I didn't want to, demonstrates that I am dedicated to bettering myself and my situation. I could have easily taken another retail job doing something that was easy for me. But instead I put myself out there, was denied multiple times by many companies, and then finally accepted.
Learning something new can be scary and overwhelming but its worth it. The reward may not be sudden, but the long-term effects of learning and working hard will pay off. I know this. I feel this inside of me.
If you're reading this in the morning and there is something you know you should do but you don't quite feel like doing it, I'm telling you right now to do it. Right Now. If you're reading this late at night and there is something you want to do tomorrow morning; turn off your laptop/phone and go to sleep. When you wake up, go try that thing you wanted to do.
If you think you might be judged or you think you're not good enough, fuck that. Stop judging yourself. Stop doubting yourself. Stop, stopping yourself. You are so much better than you think. You are so perfectly you and you are so much more capable than you think you are! I promise!
I know you're tired. Trying when youre tired speaks more loudly than trying when you feel like it. For years I tried to convince myself that, "this is just who I am." Thats never true and I knew it. You are not the bad habits you perform; that is a temperary state of your persona.
Who I truly am is limitless.
I am who I choose to be.
I am... I, am.
You, are.
You don't have to be who you were yesterday. You don't have to be the mistakes people hold over your head. You don't have to be the doubt people see when they look at you and assume they know you. You are not the idea that someone has in their head about you. You get to wake up everyday and decide who you will be. You get to wake up and decide to do great things for your body, for your mind, for your life. That is the power a lot of us don't realize until we've grown old. We don't have to wait to realize our gift. We get to be ourselves right here, right now. Forever.
- Celina
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