I have always been a 'go-getter'. I recently found an old report card of mine from around the fourth grade that stated, "Celina is very independent and self-sufficient at getting going".
My life could have gone in so many bad directions after I ran away at fourteen, but because I have this ability to depend on myself, I have learned a great deal about life in a relatively short time.
It has not always been easy, though. There was a stint when I gave away all my power to immature, narcissistic boys who wouldn't know what to do with lemons if someone through a "Lemonade" sign at them. In addition, I was friends with people who were blind to their self-destructive behavior. Because of this, they couldn't relate when I wanted out of that paradox. Though I was waking up to the toxic cycles I was repeating, I allowed myself to continue being a part of these unhealthy relationships. I didn't want to seperate myself from familiarity because I thought my company, alone, wasn't good enough.
The truth is, I stayed in those relationships because I didn't know my worth. And as I reflect on how I was able to completely change my life -- three years sober on my birthday last year -- I find myself asking the question, "how did I figure out my worth?".
I first needed to understand what 'knowing my worth' actually meant.
So, what does it mean?
Collectively understanding all the different parts of self; from the mechanics to the spirit.
The only possible way I could know my worth was to know the person who possessed the worth; I needed to understand who I was.
In order to truly know who I was, I had to have eyes on every part of me. I had to give every part of myself time to observe, time to experience, and time to explore.
What does that mean?
I needed to observe myself. I had to first be in a mindset of observation, rather than judgement, while reflecting on myself, my actions, and my behaviors. I needed to notice how the trauma of my past effected the way I responded to certain stimuli. I needed to notice where my boundaries currently were before I could possibly know where they needed to be. I had to notice that I got annoyed when I saw happy, 'beautiful' people. I needed to recognize when I felt the desire to be alone. I needed to notice that which I tended to ignore or dismiss as just "part of who I am". This is called becoming conscious of self. This process is extremely frustrating and exhausting at first. It helps a great deal to make null and void the friendships and relationships that attempt to degrade your new, observative behavior (aka, growth).
So what exactly does self exploration look like?
In order for me to know myself I had to know everything about myself: my weaknesses, strengths, values, morals, health, limitations, boundaries, hobbies, interest, favorites, dislikes. It can be very easy to judge yourself in this phase, but its important to learn acceptance or 'come to terms' with where you are currently at. Feeling a sense of acceptance and love for yourself as you currently are is the key to progress. You should not tell yourself that you will be happy once you finally change these habits.
You must learn to be happy where you are at; gratitude and love is the foundation for which transformation occurs.
Once I noticed my unconscious behavior, I did exactly that, I became conscious of myself! Once I became conscious of myself, I started changing myself. I stopped going with my automatic responses. Instead I gave myself time between the question and my answer to actually think and feel the truth of how I, not my learned behavior, thought and felt about the question.
It was at this point when people began dropping like flies out of my life. Or as I like to say, 'glitching out' of my life. It is amazing how upset people with a crab mentality act once you start taking back your power by becoming a conscious being. If this is something you plan on doing, beware of the bullshit people will tell you to keep you stuck. Trust your instincts.
How do we know which behaviors to change? How do we change those behaviors?
I'll get to the second question in a bit. This is the part that intimidates most people. Change is a very difficult process that, more often than not, requires us to break away from addictions (more on this in another blog).
To understand which behaviors we should change, we must first ask ourselves, "what do I value?". If I value my peace, I will start choosing friends and partners who are supportive, kind, understanding, non-judgmental, and patient (these types of people tend to be self loving individuals). While simultaneously cutting off or cutting back on time with people who are not.
I will start making time for activities that relax my nervous system. For example, I will choose to spend my evening covered in a heavy blanket while reading an excellent book by candle light rather than spend hours getting dolled up, wasting all my money on alcohol just to go to sleep with regrets and ringing ears.
If I value having a healthy body, I will make time (usually exchanging social time for kitchen time) to understand which foods my body is not responding well too. This would involve starting a food journal, whether you are mentally taking note or physically writing things down. If I am restricting my diet I will not tempt myself by going out for food. Instead, I will meal prep and do some grocery shopping.
How we change our behaviors is simple:
We just do it.
How we maintain that transition is by first actually wanting the change. We then consistently remind ourselves why we are doing it. I will go more into depth on change in another blog.
So what does this all have to do with worth?
Everything. Companies are not worth billions of dollars because they had an idea and didn't do anything with it. Architecture is only a drawing until someone picks up a hammer. The drawing may be cool, but it's the act of building that is truly worth something. It's a tough pill to swallow, but wanting is not enough. However, being "perfect" or "complete" isn't quite it either.
The real value is in the effort you make. Your worth is the work you do on yourself and your life. In fact, that's not even the whole picture because your worth can only be unleashed when you recognize it. Others may see what you don't. However, what they see is only 10%, 15%, 20% of what you actually have if you did know your value.
Expressing your worth through the art of boundaries increases your value dramatically. But you cannot set boundaries until you know which boundaries you must set.
What does giving ourselves time to experience and time to explore look like?
Making mistakes; a lot of them.
When you set out on a quest of any kind, for example riding a bike, you will have no idea what you are doing. That is the beauty of discovery. Our society has provided much comfort; for that I am grateful for. However, this comfort has made many people complacent, fearful, and lazy. If you live your entire life in your comfort zone, living on repeat, you will rarely learn anything new. Humans have been evolving for about 6 million years; we did not get where we are today by being comfortable.
In order to know what works for you, you have to go out into the world and try things. Say things you've always wanted to say at a social gathering and see if it feels right in your stomach. Buy that outfit (hopefully your thrifting) that has always called to you and observe if it speaks to the person you know you are under all that fear of blossoming. Talk to that person you've been crushing on and see if you actually vibe or not. Buy those ingredients at the store and try that recipe you've been thinking about.
You will not connect with everything and everyone you think you will. In fact, you might end up hating something you thought you'd love. That's perfect! That's perfect because completion is not the point. The point is to do. There is no try (thanks Yoda).
Make the effort to be worth while and in that effort, you will be. And so it is.
-Celina Joan
Photograph by Siren Lynn. <3
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