We have all been there, some of us more often than we'd like to admit. But letting go of a toxic lover is difficult. It's important to begin with understanding that just because you are part of a toxic relationship, does not mean either or both of you are bad people. A toxic relationship is formed by unhealthy habits from both parties. The cause is always unhealed wounds resulting from unresolved light (rejection of some sort).
Why is letting go so difficult?
Well, it depends on your circumstances. I have many reasons and I am happy to share them with you. I find it difficult to leave because I wish the best for everyone. I love, love and I love sharing my joy. I don't like sharing my body so I tend to stick with men I have already had sexual experiences with. This is a comfort crutch.
I am demisexual. That means I am not sexually attracted to someone until I feel a genuine, emotional connection with them. This is why I cannot be friends with my previous boyfriends. I have tried but it only makes it difficult for me to move on. And if you assume random hook ups aren't my thing, you'd be correct. And let's be honest, having a rebound never works; The sex is never as good as we expect it to be. Being demisexual, it only makes me miss my previous partner more.
Your reasons are your own. I don't believe time heals anything. I think honesty, self reflection, and communication are what do the trick. All of those things require patience and yes, a bit of time. There is no real way to get around moving on; You have to go through.
What do you mean by that?
The best way to make any move in life is to first understand why. Why are you making this move? Why are you deciding on leaving this relationship? It's important to know for two main reasons:
1) Because it is your truth; Your authentic perception of the situation; Everything beyond that is a mask or someone else's perspective of the situation. There is a great sense of clarity when someone moves in a way that is authentic to them. By this I mean, when we truly understand how we feel about something, we make choices based on what is right for us. It can feel scary, especially when you've been told who and how to be your whole life. It can be scary because society tells us not to act on your emotions; instead you should be "rational". And although I agree that having an outburst every time you get frustrated or hurt is not the answer. However, it is not natural to 'civilize' our every emotion. This leads to dismissal of how we feel based on the fear or concern of how that emotion will be perceived by others. I do not spend my life in a court room convincing a jury that my emotions are justified. I feel my emotions because they are a guide to what is right and not right for me; They must be felt, understood, and honored.
2) Because knowing your 'why' is a truth you can fall back on every time you forget. And let's be honest with ourselves, we forget our worth. We forget we deserve better than we're getting. We give in to outside influences. But our truth, how we really feel, always comes to the surface. You cannot hide from yourself. I heard once that you will always end up where you belong, no matter what you do. And I believe we all have the ability to feel when change needs to occur. But our ego wants to hold onto the ideal relationship, even if it's not a realistic one. It's important to accept our present reality and understand the present moment is all we truly have.
So I know my why. Now what?
Once you understand why you are leaving the relationship you have to ask yourself, "is this something I can compromise? Is staying in this relationship truly worth compromising my 'why'?"
What does that mean?
You are thinking of leaving a relationship because you don't feel seen. This person doesn't give you the attention you are looking for (which is a perfectly good reason to leave a relationship, you are not married to every person you date). However, this person has qualities that you find attractive. They're funny, intelligent, and an excellent chief. You really enjoy all those things about that person but you don't feel like a significant part of their life. You talk to them about it and it doesn't improve. You have to ask yourself a question. Is it worth sticking around a person who says you are important to them, but doesn't make you feel important to them? Is your why worth compromising?
Chances are, its not worth it.
The decision is ultimately up to you. But for the people who decide leaving is in your best interest, read on.
I have my why, I've decided its not worth compromising. Now what?
This is the hardest part and why it is so important to understand your 'why' inside and out.
You have to stay away.
This is when really knowing yourself is a saving grace. This is easier to do when you knew who you were before the relationship started. Really knowing yourself, being in tuned with your interests, goals, personality traits, triggers and boundaries will save you from a lot of challenges in life.
Leaving a toxic relationship is more often than not extremely difficult for most. Some people experience a loss of identity due to codependency. Speaking from experience, this is exceptionally difficult to cope with without the right tools and skillset.
When getting over a relationship it's important to morn; You have lost something and that is sad, even if it's best for you. You need to allow yourself to experience the loss. Then and only then does it become real. We've all tried our best to distract ourselves from the horrible feelings of a breakup. But every smile turns into a frown, laughter turns into tears, and sometimes we end up making choices that are not good for us. The body feels what the mind is processing. Attempting to distract the mind from the process is only detrimental to your well being. All distraction does is delay the inevitable. You must go through the pain to get to the other side of it.
The simplest way I can advise someone to leave a toxic relationship is to treat it like a normal relationship. Evaluate your wants and needs, observe if you are receiving them, leave if you are not. It sounds simple because it is. Sometimes we get too caught up in the stories we tell ourselves. We somehow convince ourselves we are not good enough without this relationship. We trick ourselves into believing we will not be happy without this relationship. It's a lie. A lie you have grown too comfortable telling yourself. A lie that keeps you in a position where your happiness is no longer your responsibility.
This is where taking ownership of your life comes into play. In order to live a fulfilling life, you need to be the one writing out the orders to be filled. Its a fun analogy, and it's true. You are responsible for the choices you make, regardless of your reasons, regardless of which side of the relationship you think you are on. Everyone has choices to make. Everyone is working at their capacity to better themselves, even if you don't see it. Some people are blind to this which leads to the formation of toxic relationships. Sometimes we think we can help people, but the only person who can truly get them where they need to go is themselves. And sometimes its best for them for you to walk away so they can begin to understand or fortify their understanding of self.
With Love,
Celina Joan <3
Comments