I am surrounded by a white light. There is no sound but a faint, low hum. I am calm. I smile. My heart echo's with satisfaction and my mind sighs with ease.
I have no thoughts; I only feel, and I feel connected. I relax my eyebrows, remove my tongue from the roof of my mouth, and unclutch my jaw. I close my eyes. I see gray behind my eyelids, but I am not looking there. What I see is a white light surrounding me and I feel a twinkle in the empty connectedness that dances within and around me.
I tilt my head back and feel a slow, gentle, warm stream of water grace my forehead. The water frames my face and nuzzles its way into my hair. I exhale deeply, going further into a state of peace, acceptance, and flow. The water finds its way to my back. The sensation of this discovery induces a quick shiver of ecstasy throughout my body. But just as quickly as it comes, it dissolves, and the feeling of ecstasy fades into memory.
The water begins to flow quickly, rushing down my long, blonde hair. I lift my head, aligning it with my heart. The water washes over my face and I smile. I am conscious of my sustained connection to everything. I linger in the indifference of peace, knowing how easy it would be to think.
The warm water collects at my chin and drips down my bare breasts; I am comforted by the innocent embrace. As I stand, naked in a pool, I come to imagine the sound of rushing water as an army of wild stallions galloping down the summit of a mountain. I see a 1,000 hooves hitting the ground as a light, blue sky is covered in a thick screen of dust. Their descent creates a blustering gale that echoes in the valley like thunder. With every stride, a wave of fiercely defined muscles glistens in the sun. Their fervent neighing, like a warning to those below, stretches to every corner of the world. Long hair: white, brown, blonde, and black, stretch up to the sky as their legs beat back into the earth. A sea of large, deep brown eyes intensely analyzing every step, avoiding collision.
In the midst of my daydream, water clogs my ears. I am sustained in the present moment by the sound of my racing heart.
'This is bliss.' a tender voice from inside me says.
My heart's pace remains as my mind wanders.
'Why am I here?' I think.
Just as I read the thought, a concerned and loving voice comes from somewhere inside me again. "No, don't go there."
In the wake of my excitement, I am suddenly overwhelmed with a vision. A black object, like a rectangle, floats inches above the ground. It gently creeps up and down, moving only about two inches in either direction, as if to say in a menacing tone, “come look”. It is seated near the base of an ancient Angel Oak Tree which seems to be growing ill due to its presence. The object is substantial in size, standing almost ten feet tall. The border is decorated in large, delicate, gold swirls and strange symbols of which my memory has no record of. I feel myself smile with curiosity and caution as I observe the anomalous symbols carved into the bright, rich, gold color; they are a significant contrast to the rest of this strange phenomenon. The center of the rectangle is as black as a moonless night. A feeling of dread takes over my body as I focus on it. It is so dark, it seems to draw life out of everything around it. The longer I observe the darkness of this object, the heavier the discomfort sits, like a rock, in my stomach.
'Is this a memory?' I think to myself.
As quickly as it appears in my mind's eye, the vision vanishes. I slowly return to peace with every inhale and exhale. I focus on my breath until I am, again, in a blissful state, day dreaming of wild stallions running free.
I open my eyes and realize I am standing before a field of lavender, lilacs, and purple roses. The sound of rushing water, which once blissfully, engulfed my body, is traded for the coo of a morning dove. The sound is unfamiliar, but excites me as I begin to take in my surroundings. I look down at my body; I am cloaked in a heavy, white cloth. It drapes just below my knees, exposing the tops of my bare feet to the itchy grass. Around my waist is a thin, brown rope that sits loosely at the top of my hips. My arms are exposed and I take a moment to notice the tiny faded, brown freckles covering my shoulders. I drag my hand along the white cloth on my chest, up to my neck, soaking in the smooth texture that conceals my body.
I look above me and see a sea of rich, green canopies bleeding into a pink, metallic sky. In the distance, a large, dark blue planet with light purple clouds that lie still like a lizard in the blistering sun, hangs in the sky above me. It is so close, I reach up as if I can touch it. I smile with excitement and wonder as I take in the strange world before me. It is neither day nor night; I feel neither cold nor warm. But instead, I am filled with bliss, simply for existing here.
I feel a tickle on my right forearm. I look down at it. Like the roots of a seedling, my cloak begins to grow around my arms. Gracefully, the white vines spread until they reach my knuckles. Changing their direction, as if returning to the earth, the white vines of my cloak create exceptionally long, bell shaped sleeves that touch the base of the flower bed beneath my toes. The material is thick, white, and heavy and now conceals my legs. I giggle with satisfaction at the sight of my dress transformation. For a moment, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being right. Until I look up toward the field of flowers and suddenly feel nauseous.
'Remember' I hear a gentle voice say within me.
The strange object, from my vision, appears in the field of flowers, 50 yards ahead from me. Behind it, I watch as the massive Angel Oak Tree takes form. Its enormous size engulfs the sky and interposes me and the orbiting planet.
Motionless I stare at the scene in front of me. The black object, with its golden swirls, hovers above the lilac bushes like a lingering disease. It feels misplaced, like sin in heaven. I am flooded with discomfort. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. As I exhale, I mentally pull away the feelings of pain like leeches from my body. With each inhale, I gather strength. With each exhale, I remove suffering from my body.
'Ah. Peace. Thank you.' I exhale and look down with my eyes closed, feeling a stretch in the back of my neck. I stay like this for three breaths, allowing myself to become one with stillness. I reconnect with my body and calmly exhale into a peaceful state of being. I let go of fear of the unknown that waits before me. I let go of the fact that it is close to me. I let go of what it may be and the question of why it is here. I feel nothing and decide it is good. I breathe into this feeling, into this newfound strength.
I open my eyes. Staring back at me from within the immense, dark object are two vicious, yellow eyes and long sharp blood-stained teeth. I look at the creature for a moment.
"I know you," I say, unshaken, squinting my eyes.
I step toward the creature in the box. It opens its mouth and I collapse onto my hands and knees. I feel heartache; a desire to hold and be held; a desire so deep it feels like death. I feel a longing for someone to complete me. I shatter at the memory of embracing someone; kissing them. A gut-wrenching sadness takes my breath and I begin to choke and gasp for air.
'I know this feeling.' I cry to the dirt beneath me.
Eyes wide open, I stare at the space between my hands on the ground. My body goes numb and I feel the pace of my thoughts speed up and scramble. I lose sight of who I am. I forget the feeling of peace as though I had never known it. My inner world becomes dark and heavy. This darkness manifests as a physical sickness in my stomach. I can't breathe. I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing out the tears that lingered on my lids. I rock forward and backward, groaning and pleading as discomfort spreads from my gut to the rest of my body like pins and needles. I beg for the feeling to leave me. It is a feeling that is all too familiar; a path I have walked many times before. I know where it leads and I do not want to go.
Fighting the tantalizing urge to give up, lay down and die, I know I must find my strength. I lean forward bringing my mouth parallel to the ground as I let out a long, violent scream of frustration. My shoulders and arms shake as blood rushes to my head. I rock back and gasp for air, putting pressure on my feet which are curled under me. I rock forward with the intention of lying down. I stop myself and my shoulders give out. My head hangs from my shoulders like a broken tree branch, waiting for a gust of wind to take it away. Exhausted, I stare at the blonde strands of my hair touching the ground. I hang there, holding my stomach with my right hand in an attempt to ease my suffering. Locked in my sorrow and pain, breathing in the memory of a broken heart, I open my puffy eyes and like a river, tears fall to the earth. I let out tired sighs and painful whimpers as I continue to rock forward and backward. Still on the verge of giving into this pain, I clutch grass in my hands. Through blurred vision, I sob as I allow the feeling of heartache to dismantle my spirit against my will. Anger builds up inside of me and I release it with another curdling scream! This time bringing my face closer to the ground as if trying to split Gaia open with my voice. Everything around me begins to darken and the sky begins to cry.
"Remember", speaks the gentle voice within me.
I look down and watch bushels of purple roses rapidly grow where my tears have fallen. I smile through bloodshot eyes.
"Bliss. Bliss. Bliss." I say breathlessly, as I begin to gather my strength.
I rise, dress covered in mud, and exhale deeply.
"Find... Center..." the gentle voice strains to communicate.
I find my strength first in my legs, then in my lungs. I breathe deeply and powerfully. With every exhale I push away the painful memories. I push and erase until I am clear again. I open my dry eyes and speak. My words are as strong as thunder.
"I am in control." I say to the creature.
Lightning strikes the Angel Oak tree and it splits in half exposing the white, full moon. The creature crawls out of the box and falls to the ground in a muddy pool of black tar. I look up as a crow dashes across the moon, letting out a cry. I observe the creature who is now standing and looking at me. It is as tall as the object it fell from. Its slender, bony body is covered in black ooze. Its nails, covered in blood, are as long as I am tall. It has no defined features but its sinister, yellow eyes and long, sharp teeth. Lightning strikes the ground between us. Nothing can be heard now but the roar of pouring rain, wind, and the stunning fury of thunder.
Wet and cold, I move closer to the creature. It raises its bony finger and points at me. It opens its mouth, releasing a baritone hum that stops me in my tracks like a physical force. I feel anger. I close my eyes, roll my head back, and exhale. I feel my heartbeat increase. Heat manifests on my neck as if a flame had been burning on my shoulders. I mentally fight to calm the sensation of rage building in my spine. My arms and thighs tense up as blood rushes to them. I feel adrenaline in my veins, teetering on the edge of absolute insanity.
Holding its chest with its long fingers, the creature laughs knowing I am fighting a battle inside of me. I deny myself the pleasure of hateful words scratching at my throat, begging to be released. Holding myself, shaking as the rain drenches me and wind attempts to knock me down, I swallow the unpleasant curses the creature conjured in me. I close my eyes and chant to myself in hopes of recalling a state of calmness.
"Bliss. Bliss. Bliss."
Infuriated by my effort, the creature opens its mouth, lunges at me, and screams. Its yellow eyes piercing my soul, I look away and close mine. I focus on the contact of cold raindrops on my forehead. With every drop of rain I sink further into my memory. I remember the warmth of the water covering my naked body. I recall the low humming that once surrounded me. I allow it to surround me again. I remember the light. I allow its vibration to correct mine. I allow it to bring me back to center, to my fullness. With every deep exhale the sound of hooves grows louder, reminding my heart of freedom.
My eyes shoot open and I push forward toward the creature through the rain. I hold my white cloak, dirtied by mud, in my hands as I step over the fallen branches of the Angel Oak Tree. Lightning is now the only source of light; the moon has been swallowed by dark clouds.
The creature attempts to let out another scream. I raise my right hand toward it. I am now only a few feet away. I look up at this colossal demon and I shout through the rain and wind.
"No more." It is not just my voice that speaks, but the trees, the sky, and the earth.
In a physical fit, the demon screams into the sky, slashing the air around it. It holds its face as if blinded by sunlight.
"No more." I shout at it again.
The demon gradually shrinks as it continues to slash the air around it.
"No more." I say one last time.
I am now face to face with the creature listening to its wheezing breaths. Its defeated eyes are locked onto mine and I am not afraid. I am not afraid of its emptiness. I am not afraid of its voice or its vicious snarls. Because what I am looking at is not a demon at all.
"I know you," I speak gently. My heart is filled with love as I look upon her with sorrow in my eyes. I wrap my arms around her and weep.
"You are my past, may you now be free." I cry as if saying goodbye to a loved one forever.
"You are my pain, may you no longer bleed." My stomach jumps. The sorrow of realizing I have to let go, makes me grip her tighter.
"You are my protector, may you no longer lead." I choke as the words come out. I allow the breathtaking pain of this discovery to rip away all the old parts of me. I allow the sorrow of wasted time to run wild inside me. Shaking from the cold rain, we hold each other. With every exhale of pain, her true form is revealed. We look at each other through blurred vision for a moment. I am her and she is me. We place our foreheads together, eyes closed. Then, from the depth of my being and all around me, I hear a loud voice echo, "Remember."
I hear the crack of lightning and open my eyes. My body and dress are dry. The sun is bright and warm. I smell the calm of green grass, dirt, and lavender. I hear the song of blackbirds, robins, and chaffinches welcoming me into a new life. I turn around and discover the large Angel Oak Tree in perfect condition. In front of it, hovering just above a bushel of lavender, is a beautiful mirror with wonderful, golden swirls around the edges. I go to it. I observe my reflection. My cloak is no longer white. Instead, it is dark blue and lined with swirling, gold trimming and strange symbols I will soon come to understand. I smile at my reflection, look up at the canopy of the ancient Angel Oak Tree and chant as a bell tolls in the sky.
Bliss. Bliss. Bliss.
-Celina Joan
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