I have spent the last few months focused on myself. I have learned to accept a "monotoned" life. No wild ups and downs. Admittedly, it was quite boring in the beginning. I found myself constantly looking for some sort of outside force to fill the silence. I went through stages of emotional cycles. But ultimately, I found peace.
I have come to learn that peace too, has its price.
There is a guy. When he first came into my life, I was hesitant because I knew I had baggage. I didn't, at the time, fully understand the extent of that baggage. Regardless, I knew it was present. I knew it was something I hadn't quite dealt with yet.
As I sit here now I wonder, did I ever really deal with the things that cut me deepest? Do we have to? Or do we just get on with our lives? And what amount of that is okay to place into the arms of the person you want in your life?
Regardless of my track record and my jaded attitude, I gave this guy a chance. The relationship wasn't perfect, but as someone who was never taught what to look for in a relationship, as someone who was never told what they deserve by the people who influenced them most at a young age, I was willing to accept anything.
As some point, I did push him away. But I did so with concern of putting him through hell. I thought I was ready to give love a chance again. But, the baggage, the damage I had obtained through abusive relationships with my ex's and my own father, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't trust that a man could be kind, or loving, or patient, or understanding. I had never seen it be done. So how could I possibly put myself in a situation where I could gamble the odds and be absolutely certain my bet was correct? How could I do that to myself?
Well, I did.
I don't know why. Maybe because I want to believe men can be gentle, loving, and patient. And he was, until he wasn't.
I wish I could put my finger exactly on what happened, being somewhat of a logical thinker. But trying to understand the past, especially relationships, is too much for me to think about.
He woke up in my bed one morning and I could tell his energy was off. I couldn't let it go. When I asked what was wrong, he looked me in my eyes and said, "I want to explore other people."
Someone who doesn't have a lot of trauma from relationships, could read this and think nothing of it.
"oh well, time to move on."
But that is not me. That is a reality I have come to face.
I spent so much time after him gathering myself. Understanding myself and why I do the things I do, when I do them and when I don't. I've paid so much attention to things that make me smile and feel good inside. I have caught glimpses of these things and saved the snapshot in my
mind. I use those images as my lighthouse. Whenever I feel sad or lost, I recall those snapshots and I am reminded of the peace I have found.
But at what point must I give up my peace in exchange for growth?
My baggage is my baggage so long as I allow it to be. But how do I make it "go away?". Can I make it do so? Or do I just learn to live around it?
I do not want to swear off relationships for the rest of my life. But my god, I am terrified of feeling anything for anyone. I don't like the idea of someone having the power to hurt me. But I only think of my feelings for someone as ammunition to kill me, because that's how I perceive it. And I perceive it that way because that's what I've experienced.
But I have learned things that I never knew existed. I have obtained knowledge of things I never thought I would. So I'm choosing to believe that just because I don't know, doesn't mean its not possible.
I know all too well that sometimes in life we get burned. But I also know that we are capable of getting back up. I'm choosing to believe that the beauty of a real relationship is worth the possibility of pain. I have this new found confidence because I know myself now. I don't need anyone besides the people who want me. Those with an agenda or hidden feelings will be brought to light at some point. This I know now.
...
At one point in my life I had to let go of what brought me peace in order to allow myself to feel the emptiness around me. With that, my peace returned. I must now let go of that peace once again, to find growth in the potential for love.
I will admit, I am afraid. But I know that once I have grown past my baggage, I will have peace again.
For me.
-celina <3
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