Greek mythology tells a tale of a rejuvenating bird baring magnificent colors of reds, oranges, yellows, and blues with feathers that danced like flames. According to legend this splendiferous birds lifecycle was about 500 years. At the end of its life, the wise bird would kindle a flame from its beak, setting itself ablaze. Deep in the ashes an egg would form; endowing life from death.
You doubtlessly know this bird as the Phoenix.
What literal minds overlook in interpretation to this tale is that the Phoenix is not a bird at all. To me, the Phoenix is a state of mind.
Within all of us lies the potential to be 'born again'.
What does it mean to be 'born again'?
Everyone's rebirth will and does look different. Rebirth occurs when one alters the way they think and perceive the things they do, the things they believe in, and the morals they stand by.
For some, rebirth is concurring an addiction. Concurring an addiction is a noble Phoenix moment. When you are addicted to something - drug, person, or habit - you are no longer yourself. In a natural state, who you are is more detailed and specific. When you are addicted to something, everything you do, everything you say, everything you are is all encompassing to what you are obsessed with.
However, you don't need to be addicted to something to loose yourself. In fact, you can have the complete opposite issue; you can be deficient in something entirely.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that anything can become an obsession if not properly balanced. Once you loose balance, it is very easy to snowball out of control.
This happened to me.
I spent twelve years of my life murderously burdening myself with the task of proving I wasn't a fuck up leaving home at fourteen. I became so monomaniacal with proving this point that I subconsciously hide away every beautiful piece of me. I manufactured a character I assumed would satisfy others. And for a stint, I played that part awfully well.
Deep within, the authentic me stirred for freedom. This "struggle for the light" unequivocally tore me apart.
After twelve years of squelching my nature with an artificial persona, I couldn't encumber the real me anymore. Everything I had created for myself was falling apart before my eyes. I was shifting. I felt sick all the time. I couldn't make a decision and stick with it. I felt like I was spiraling out of control.
This internal conflict eventually resulted in me loosing my job.
I do believe, however, that all things, especially bad things, happen for cosmical reasons.
So, where does isolation come into play?
Only hours after loosing my job, an old friend reached out for a favor. This friend was offered a job out of state. However, because he's unable to drive legally, he requested I drove him to and from work in exchange for a hefty amount of cash.
The hotel I stayed at was smack dab in the middle of nowhere.
For two weeks all I could do was aimlessly drive up and down the same road, gazing at the same fields. In the beginning, anxiety surged through me. There was nothing for me to occupy my time or my thoughts. There were no distractions; no crying children, no sirens, no music, no belligerent frat boys or high pitched screeching sorority girls stumbling down the sidewalks.
Alternatively, there was the sound of wind roaring against my body every time I stepped outside. The sweet sound of birds singing good morning as the sun gently welcomed the day. And the quiet sound of tiny waves barley plunging against the shore of the pond while bullfrogs warned their kin of my presence.
I'm uncertain if it was the sounds I heard or the sounds I didn't hear that gracefully dissolved my anxiety.
After two days, I sought the courage to leave my hotel room. I ventured outside to the pond and found a tree. I sat and stared out into the still, clear water. My only neighbor was a mother goose napping with her unhatched babies. The daddy goose was uncertain of me at first. After a few days of my quiet and consistent visitations, however, he was satisfied that I wasn't a threat. He wondered off for a swim,
and left me and the mother goose to nap in peace.
Five days in, an image came to me. I began drawing it. It was disheartening at first. I felt vexed, like I would never be able to put in front of me what I had seen in my minds eye.
I persevered. The drawing is now my favorite piece of art I've ever rendered.
For the first time in my life, I felt honestly proud of myself. I am proud of myself, still. I concentrated my energy, as rigorous as it was, on a task I sought through for myself, not for someone else.
In fact, I didn't feel the need to do anything for anyone. Everything I did those two weeks, I did for the singular reason that I wanted to.
There was no pressure to impress. I was free to be in tuned with myself. There was no schedule demanding my attention and energy. I didn't even feel the need to demand my own energy to or from myself I just... existed in my truest form.
Why would I define this as being 'reborn'?
I almost died inside of the character I falsified. Isolation in nature quietly, and blissfully taught me how to love that character away.
Isolation cleared my intentions. It refreshed my memory, and jump started my soul.
Since I have returned to the city, which I will soon be moving out of, I got rid of almost all of my clothes, shoes, accessories and sold my car. I'm saving up money to buy a bus that I will renovate into my home and travel.
Instead of having a point to prove, I now have a goal; a 'light house', if you will. No matter the waters I find myself in, I can look toward this goal I created from my souls desire.
It may have been a long time coming, but 26 is a wonderful age to truly begin living my life the way I want to.
...
If you are feeling stuck, like there is something missing, like what you have just isn't enough, here is my advice.
Try having less. Doing less. Thinking less.
I'm not saying be empty, heartless, and mindless. I'm saying do what feels 100% right to you, regardless if it feels 'weird' or 'impossible' at first. Try something new and really give it a chance. Like, really.
You will be indefinitely surprised at what you unearth in the unknown.
-Celina <3
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