I like to think of self-discovery as painting a self-portrait. Sometimes we really like our creation of self; we like our edges, our colors, our setting. But there are times in life when we begin to look at what we've created and think, it's time for a change.
Solving my identity crisis has been a long, ongoing, eye-opening journey. Normally I would say, "I wish I had all the answers." But I don't; and honestly, I don't want all the answers all at once, not anymore.
I believe it's possible that my relationship with depression combined with a lack of maturity, played a significant role in my obsession to know everything. All whilst making no effort to discover anything.
So what changed? Did I 'cure' my depression?
I don't think depression is ever cured. I believe that once certain thoughts are processed or "doors" are opened in the mind, they never close. The terrible things I thought about will always be an option in my mind. But I think it's important to note that depression can act as a lens. A lens that plagues our perspective of life, relationships, friendships, and most importantly, ourselves.
I found that even after my life started to improve, I carried an unhealthy amount of empathy for myself. This caused me to never cease to be the victim, even when nobody was hurting me.
In order for me to evolve, I needed to maneuver around the crippling perspective lens of depression.
But, how?
I had to use logical thinking over emotional navigation.
Remedying my identity crisis forced me to initiate some changes: I stopped; wearing makeup, drinking, dressing up, and going out. I stopped trying to make things work. I stopped trying to please people or make them happy. I stopped repeating bad habits. Instead, I started practicing yoga and meditation. I started paying attention to what I was eating. I started cutting people out who drained me. I started spending less time on my phone and more time playing my guitar and singing. I started crying to cleanse. I started to think about and understand why I felt the things I felt. I started allowing myself to indulge in things I love more like mint chocolate chip ice cream! I started opening up, manifesting my dreams, asking for what I wanted and started expressing what I didn't like.
I had to erase who I thought I was in order to allow myself the freedom to live as I truly am. I needed to repaint!
So, what does this new painting look like?
As I reflect inward, I realize there are certain aspects of my former self or former "life" that are necessary for me to carry as I evolve. What I'm learning to leave behind are extremes.
In the midst of my identity crisis, I had a profound experience with mushrooms. I can honestly say I don't plan to eat the magical mushroom again, but I am grateful I did.
While I was tripping, I saw a white line with a large, glowing, radiant ball that moved from one end of the line to the other, depending on how I was feeling.
It wasn't the left side or the right side that was "good"; it was the middle.
What does that mean?
Every time my thoughts drifted toward negativity, the ball would move left causing my body to tremble. My chest would tighten and I began to panic.
Then, as if my unconscious mind was sending me a message, the ball moved to the center. When this happened, I felt complete peace and wholeness. However, once I registered in my conscious mind that I might be receiving a message from my unconscious mind, I started to feel excited.
My excitement caused the ball to shift to the right side of the line. When that happened, I felt a great surge of over-excitement that turned into anxiety.
Remembering the peaceful feeling in my body when the ball was centered, I found a way to move it willingly.
How did I do that?
I forced myself out of my head and into my body.
I'm learning sustainable health and wholeness come when extreme emotions are left behind. Don't get me wrong, I still get excited when I'm happy; I just don't feel the need to chase excitement anymore. It's still important for me to be social, but I don't need to get plastered to do that. I still want to look presentable in front of others, but I don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to paint my face in order to do that.
Practicing balance has opened my eyes to a new life. I am no longer demanding to know what lies at the end of a path. Instead, I'm learning to walk, observe, and appreciate. I'm figuring out there is beauty in not knowing yet.
Every blissful discovery is a new detail in my portrait. I am not concerned at all with how it turns out, because the only thing constant in life is change. So until I die, I'll just keep painting.
-Celina <3
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