Firstly, I would like to apologize. I mentioned on my Instagram story I would post a blog entry last night. I stayed up until almost 2:00 a.m. writing. For some reason I couldn't convey my thoughts properly. Things are more clear today.
My Confession
I have always been told that being patient is important. It wasn't until I failed many attempts at happiness that I realized the serious importance of practicing patience. Truly, that is what patience is, a practice.
There is some sort of key in accepting your current situation. Putting in work to make it better, and being patient enough for that situation to grow.
I find it easier to allow that fire to engulf me when something doesn't go according to plan. If I'm driving and someone slows down for no reason, my initial instinct is to yell and shout names at the driver in front of me. But what good does that do? They can't even hear me.
Frank Sonnenberg has a famous quote, "Lessons in life will repeat until they are learned."
I ruined a lot of bonds and opportunities because I struggled to sit still long enough to see a situation blossom. The second something feels like it's going south, I run. The second I feel like I'm being played or used, I snap. It's never been enough to simply let go. Because I have suffered the ultimate betrayal, I find it difficult to walk away from a situation without kicking and screaming. I have always felt the need to dig my teeth deep into someone's spiritual flesh before I can walk away.
I don't want to be like that.
There are so many things in this life I want to experience. I fear if I'm never able to control my anger and practice patience, I will never be able to function in the type of situation I want.
But what do I want?
If I'm being honest, I don't really know. Because if there's one thing I've learned on my spiritual journey, it's that sometimes I only want something when I think I can't have it.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone that you didn't feel anything for anymore? But the second you saw them with someone else, or the second you felt like they would be okay without you, you changed your mind?
Have you ever put back a pair of shoes you finally decided you didn't need. But the second you see someone else touch them, you feel the sudden urge to snap them out of that someone's hands?
If you haven't, honestly, I'm happy for you. You're probably a normal, healthy person. If you have, then you probably don't know what you want either.
I chased this guy in La Crosse for... forever. We were just hooking up and I caught feelings and he knew. The sex was so good, I thought I wanted more than his body. I thought I wanted his heart too. For a while we stopped hooking up. Being deprived of his touch, smell, and taste made me want him even harder. But eventually I reached a threshold and passed it. My mind, body, and spirit were drained of him. I couldn't feel him anymore, so... I stopped caring.
When we met up again, I looked at him and I felt nothing. He was just another guy. What I felt wasn't real.
I always talk about how badly I want to be successful. In order to be successful I have to dedicate most, if not all, of my free time on a project or an idea. I can see Gary Vee now saying, "hustle, hustle, hustle."
But if all I do is work and hustle, what happens to my social life? What happens to the part of me that wants a simple life?
There's a song called "Ego Death" by Ty Dolla $ign. At the very end of the song the woman says, "It's gonna to cost you to be great. You will have to sacrifice something to be great."
I think about the things I have wanted so badly that turned out not to be what I expected. So what happens if I dedicate my life to my idea of happiness. Only to find that it was sweeter a dream than a reality? It makes me wonder if wanting in the first place should be avoided. But if I never want
anything, what would the quality of my life be like? What would people think of me if I skipped through life being okay with whatever came my way. As I'm typing that I'm laughing because that idea of me is just not who I am. But, perhaps I need to sacrifice the idea of who I am in order to be truly happy?
What is true happiness anyway?
I think the answer to that question should be left to the individual mind. As for me, my mind is occupied trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. I don't think I've ever been patient enough to find real joy.
But, I am learning. I'm learning to hold back instead of spitting fire. I'm learning to breath through the tightness in my chest when something doesn't go the way I hoped it would. I'm learning that the pain from my past doesn't get to dictate the potential of my future. I may not know where I want my story to end. But I know how I want to turn this page; with patience in my hands and love on my mind.
- Celina
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