Perhaps because of a rough upbringing and falling out with my father, I've had a tendency to feel that once I was in a relationship, that was the end; The end to all my struggle, pain, confusion, hardship, and worry. Now that I am single and alone (never truly alone due to friends), the absence of self-induced drama due to having rushed, over the top feelings for a guy I hardly knew, has brought much silence in my life.
I had a diabolical tendency to latch onto any guy that showed me the slightest attention. My take on human bonds and expectations were very unrealistic. Being naïve to that knowledge made me very bitter towards the guys I had feelings for. I thought they owed me everything
and anything. In retrospect, this alone was the greatest reason none of those relationships worked out.
A relationship is not the conclusion of me, it's a furthering. A new chapter in my book, but I am still the writer. The book cannot progress if I put down my pencil and say that I am now satisfied and complete because I have come across a guy that finds interest in me.
I always thought it was annoying, perhaps because it's over said (because some don't quite grasp the truth in the meaning), that you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself. I couldn't understand what that meant because I didn't love myself. I constantly sought attention from guys to fill the void my father left when I was only fourteen years old. I thought I couldn't love myself because my father didn't love me. What good was I, what kind of woman could I possibly be if the man that gave me life regretted it? But the unalloyed truth is, it doesn't matter what my father thinks of me. It doesn't matter how my father feels about me. What matters is how I feel about myself.
For what now seems like eons, I subconsciously believed relationships were the end of two individual peoples lives and the beginning of one single life. I no longer feel that way. Although it hasn't been very long since my last relationship, the silence has illuminated Pandora's box. I am only beginning to pick the pieces out and make sense of them. I am beginning to see that I must take several steps away from the idea of a relationship and rather focus on individualism. What is the point of being in a relationship if I have nothing to give but fear of loosing the other person? That's not a relationship at all, that's babysitting.
When the time comes that I am ready (or maybe the universe will not grant me that cushion and test me sooner) to explore a mans life, I will be secure in who I am so I can explore him lightly. I don't want to fall head over heels too soon. A grave mistake I've made more times than I can count. The combination of traditional relationship values and my inability to let go has, in the past, kept me in relationships, even after discovering the guy wasn't really the kind of guy I was looking for.
No more.
Although the silence can feel companion-less at times, I know there is greater value in it then I can currently foresee. I became so accustom to constant ups and downs and drama that being still can feel overwrought at times. But I am growing to see the pleasure in silence, the pleasure of solitude. I don't have to worry about how I look, if I should shower, if my legs are shaved, or if how I'm acting will make the man I'm interested in not like me. I am beginning to see this silence as freedom. I want to become accustomed to this silence and what it offers. Because when I do stumble upon a particular man of my interest, I wont be afraid to loose him for I have mastered the silence and found wholeness with myself.
-Celina
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