I am entirely horrible at letting people in. Yes, I make vlogs and write blogs about my feelings; I call this distant or indirect vulnerability.
However, close or direct vulnerability is a totally different ball game for me.
How?
Making a vlog or writing a blog about how I'm feeling is both experimental and therapeutic for me.
Experimental?
Yes, sort of.
I feel that if I have certain feelings and thoughts, someone else probably does too. And if I struggle with certain thoughts and feelings, maybe someone else does too? And maybe seeing/hearing me express those struggles, feelings, and thoughts can help ease their pain through the power of relation.
It's therapeutic because sometimes I sit with emotions too long and I enter the stage of festering. Most of the time, what I'm feeling isn't as dramatic once I get it out. Most of the time, what I feel is completely normal. Being able to express... that is soothing.
What is the difference between direct and indirect vulnerability?
Indirect vulnerability is sharing thoughts and feelings with someone or a group of people. Those thoughts and feelings have little to no relation to whom I'm sharing them with.
Direct vulnerability is sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone who does have a direct relationship with, or is the cause of, certain thoughts and feelings.
Both still weigh an emotional risk.
Example of Indirect vulnerability: I'm sitting with a group of people expressing my struggle with balancing my life. I want to make everyone around me happy, but its draining because I don't know how to say no. Sharing those feelings and getting feedback does not directly effect the inability to find balance.
Example of direct vulnerability: I'm into someone and I express that I don't know how to let that relationship grow (whatever it may become or may not become) because I am afraid of letting that person see all of me. That persons response could potentially make those feelings worse, thus have a direct impact on an already sensitive subject.
What does it mean to be seen?
To me, being seen is allowing a person enough time and experience with me to see and understand how I operate and why I operate that way.
So what does this all have to do with self sabotage?
Everything.
I am so deeply terrified of getting hurt. This is something I thought I had dealt with. And to be fair, I think some days I possess greater mental strength and find it easier to let things go. And some days, I don't (like today. Hence why I'm writing this blog). I think the ease or struggle of lettings things go is also weighed on a case by case basis.
So what's the problem?
The problem is that I make sure all my relationships are short lived. I also have a tendency to dismiss affectionate behavior and struggle to display it.
I think there are two problems here: a fear of being seen for who I am and being dismissed, and a lack of control over that dismissal.
Most things outside of me are generally out of my control. Mix that with past experiences of my belongings being kicked out of a house by people who "cared about me", nver feeling like I belonged anywhere or with anyone, and as a young adult eventually developing hyper independence and thriving/suffering in solitude. If you can imagine what that feels like, you can imagine that direct vulnerability becomes a huge risk to the minor stability I have created for myself.
But why make everything short lived?
Making things short lived has become my method of processing. I have allowed the wrong things to play out for too long and loved the wrong people like they were the right ones.
I have found peace in solitude since. When I'm alone, there is nothing to "deal" with. There are no emotions to consider but my own. I can sing as loud as I want. I can talk to myself without judgement (besides that little voice that is constantly trying to beat me down...fuckin' asshole) I can be as ugly and care-free as I want. I don't have to worry about being attractive or saying/doing the "right" thing to "win" someone over. When I'm alone, I don't feel the pressure to be a lady. I can be a three days unshowered gremlin baking away in the sun complimenting a butterfly on its colors. I don't have to worry that my scars will chase someone away. I don't have to worry about obtaining new wounds. I am free to be the beautiful mess that I am. And I love that for me.
When it comes to exploring a man, I am fine until my feelings get involved. At that point, I push because I don't want to deal with the uncertainty of how things will play out. I don't want to be abandoned. The moment I express direct vulnerability I feel like a caged animal. And I am rarely satisfied with the results of my direct vulnerability.
I know relationships need time and experience to become something. I know there is no map and no guaranteed finish line.
At this point in my life, I have not met a guy who makes me want to ease up. And by that, I mean a guy who has the capacity to be honest about who he is by showing me. And perhaps that is because I do not allow myself to be seen.
So, for the sake of peace, I create my own finish line, end things before they really start and remain in solitude. But if I'm being honest with myself, and you, this is really just self sabotage; because I do want a healthy relationship with a man. I do want a man I can curl up into a ball with and cry when I really need it. I do want a man I can see shine and help pick up when he falls apart. I do want a man I can sit quietly with or talk to for hours. I do want to look into the eyes of a man and say, "yup, that's my person. He knows me inside and out and still chooses to be around." It is beyond a blessing to have that in this life. It weighs on my conscious to expect someone to be there for me when I know how heavy my baggage is.
I need to let go of the past and not assume that everyone is going to abandon me. I also can't assume that everyone who walks out of my life is a loss.
I have to remember who I am; I have to remember the things I love, the things that make me feel centered and whole. So when the fear of abandonment creeps up, I can turn to my source for grounding and remind myself that I do genuinely enjoy my own company. If things don't work out, that's okay!
I have to remember my worth. I know what I am capable of and I know what I am willing to give. If a man does not see my worth, he will treat me accordingly. I have to recognize that and step away when I am not being treated as I believe I should be.
I have to know what I want not just from a man but from my life in general. This way, when there is a man of interest in my life, I can decide if what I am experiencing with him lines up with my values and desired outcomes. I have to ask myself if we want the same things or if I'm sacrificing too much in order to keep him around and vise versa.
I am not a relationship guru, but this is how I am starting to feel toward the subject: There is no "one size fits all". People are constantly telling me what I deserve and how my relationships should look. But the older I get and the more experiences I have, I realize we get to decide for ourselves what our relationships look like. Some people want monogamy and some people are open; there is no right or wrong way to do it. I think what matters is that we're honest with ourselves about what we're comfortable with and what we're willing to "deal" with.
If you related to anything I said about not being able to let people in out of fear, I ask that you spend some time talking to yourself. I ask that you spend that time speaking positively. I ask that you dig into the past and honestly ask yourself questions about it. I ask that, in time, you slowly allow yourself to be released from your past. Not everyday nor every experience going forward is going to be easy, trust me. But progress is not linear and don't you ever give up! The people who want to be around will be. It's really that simple.
Shine on!
- Celina Joan
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